osu !

Creating your McDojo

1. Find a suburb with extremely low Asian population and rent or buy a wooden-floored building here.

2. Buy "Gung Hei Faat Choi" and various other Chinese New Years celebration banners and hang them in your building. If asked about this by students, claim that they are various ancient Chinese proverbs of great wisdom.
e.g. "Yes, about that one. It is an extract out of Sun Tzu's Art of War that says "To win 1000/1000 battles is not true prowess. True prowess is to have avoided the battles completely.""

3. Decorate the walls with any certificates that sound related to martial arts, regardless of actual relevance.

4. The front wall should be decorated immensely with as many oriental weapons as possible, regardless of country of origin.
Note: It is recommended that you can perform with them, at least with plausible proficiency. To actually be able to defend yourself with these is not required.

5. In the middle of the front wall, between these weapons should be a shrine with a picture of an old man of Asian descent. Sandalwood incense should be burnt at every lesson. The incense should be anchored in a cup of uncooked rice. Students should bow to this fake-shrine before very lesson, as repect for your fictional master's elder brother.

6. Second-hand training equipment if available should be placed around the room for use each lesson. The wears and tears of this equipment lends to the reliability of your school.

7. Finally, when you have set all this up, hire anyone proficient in Chinese calligraphy to write on a long stretch of white cotton fabric, the name of your system.

The name should be either extremely long and flowery,
e.g. 3rd Sutra White River 13 Bewitching Lotus Fist
e.g. Divine Tiger Lily Bone Claw Conquerer Sect Fist

or short with random plants, landscapes or animals,
e.g. Copper Willow Fist
e.g. Desert Tiger Fist
e.g. White Yin Bone Fist

The Chinese characters for these can be found using a combination of Wiktionary.org and animelab.com/anime.manga/dictionary/

This stretch of fabric is to be your new banner, and should be hung above the shrine created in step 5.

___________________

How to run a McDojo

1. When advertising, be sure to include mentions of a long history of the martial art proving itself time and time again. A long lineage of Asian masters also adds to the reliability of the art you have just made up. A good idea is to have missing parts of the lineage, due to "[your] records being burnt during the Great Cultural Revolution, by members of the Red Army".

2. When deciding on belt levels, have enough to have an acceptable profit. However, be careful not to have too many "coloured belt" levels, as the long period until a black belt may discourage potential customers. About 20-30 belts before dan rankings is recommended, with a period of 2-4 months between each grading.
An accelerated course should be provided for those who wish to reach a dan ranking quicker, with "special equipment", more training time and "lessons on secret family techniques" in exchange for quaduple the cost per month.

3. 1 form is recommended for the first 10-15 belts. Afterwards, 2 forms per belt should be taught. If the martial arts that you know do not have enoughforms to last 20-30 belts, karate kata as well as Chinese Martial Art forms can be learnt via Youtube. It is not required that you understand these forms, nor perform them correctly. However, stress must be put on power, performance and drama.
[e.g. breathing deeply, random intense shouts and explosive/graceful motions can all help to achieve this]

4. Once you have a regular class established, once or twice a year, bring in a "special guest". To find this special guest, only a stroll through Cabramatta is required. Hire any hobo of Asian descent, clean any dirt off his face and bring him to your Dojo. He need not be sober.
Congratulations, you have just found your master, who can no longer practice martial arts due to a debilitating stroke that he suffered in 2006!

In the event that he is still drinking alcohol, blame this on the fact that he is still shaken over the loss of his elder brother in 2009 The brother was also a very proficient user of your system, and in his prime was known as the Demon Prodigy of Guangxi Province, famous for defeating many old masters. He is portrayed by the old man of Asian descent enshrined at your front wall.

Tuesday was fun.

Shit. I wonder if it happens to other people too, like, when you have a dream where someone has pissed you off, and you wake up slightly disliking them.
Had the weirdest dream about Pham Pham stealing my pokemon, and selling them for money so he could buy a shiny golden pokeball.

Something a bit like this...

The pokemon were two lvl 100 legendaries too, and the pokeball had no added function or special propeties (unlike a masterball), and was seriously just a pokeball with a paintjob. It didn't even look cool. It was just a normal yellow pokeball. I was like, WTF?
I was so outraged at this that I started attacking him and shit, like kicking him and punching him, but then Natalie and Alex Lok showed up and told me to cool down a bit, and I was like, "BUT I DON'T HAVE MY POKEMON ANYMORE" but yeah. I cooled off anyway. In any case, Paul Pham told me where I could find my pokemon, and directed me to some castle/warehouse thing.
I thought it meant he'd be helping me in the end, but he just replied "Nah. You're the one who wants the pokemon. Do it yourself." and went off with Natalie and Alex Lok to eat ramen.

.___.

Anyway, yeah, because of that, I woke up feeling pissed at Paul Pham.